I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
