oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
