I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
operation harelip BJ is a go
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
