she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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