I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
