he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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