no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
