Michael Bay diarrhea
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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