Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Randomize