hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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