what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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