that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
