i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
