you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize