i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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