so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
