So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
