If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
