Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
