Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I accidentally burped into my bong.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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