I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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