WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
