i want to swaddle you in tequila
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
