you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
