My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
