apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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