Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
