I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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