Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize