True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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