Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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