I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
