pop tarts are not kleenex
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You pole danced in your parka.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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