I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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