i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
