So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
