Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
