I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
