Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
