i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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