I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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