woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
