In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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