God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
