Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
