So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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