go do what you do best...puke behind churches
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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