im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
