I feel great
I just peed on a car
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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