It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
