New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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