how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
