When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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