ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
