Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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