I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Randomize
