Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
