how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
