How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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